SELF-CANNIBALISM

The shutter closes fast.

Our memories are surpassed.

Those three words.

I love you.

Focus. Turn and return.

Too get it just right.

Click.

Light before my eyes.

I saw through your disguise.

These three words.

I hate you.

Blinded once again.

I couldn’t foresee.

Looking back.

Staying in the past.

Jump ahead.

Too far.

Too many new words.

Click.

I love you.

I loved you.

You’re gone now.

Click. Click. Click.

My life closes fast.

Living in my memories.

Of us.

Click once more.

Hanging on the wall.

Just hanging there.

Waiting to be remembered.
The picture.

You and me.

I thought it would last.

I was mistaken.

When she first opened her eyes, everyone avoided looking directly at her. She looked up at her mommy, the lady above her looked right past her. A few years went by since that day. She didn’t understand what was the problem with her, why nobody looked at her, and one day she asked her mother something in particular, “Mommy.” She said quietly.

“Yes?” her mother replied looking down to the left of her.

“W-why the mirrors where covered over with clothe?” The little girl asked.

“Because I wanted them to be.” Her mother said firmly.

“But why-”

“Because I wanted them to be.” Her mother became annoyed by this point and grabbed the morning paper walked over the couch and started to read.

All the years of agony, browbeating, and isolation that followed after she was let out of the house to go to school at the age of 13. Before that she was home schooled. She always watched the school kids come out of school laughing and hugging; she wanted to be one of those kids. So she kept pushing her mother to let her go. She always wanted something more that she couldn’t get. So she pushed until whatever it was she could receive. But when she did these things she was looked over by her peers and disrespected but the people around her.  The four years she was in school, she was never chosen to answer a question by the teacher, but she still studied and still passed all her tests. She was never talked to, almost as if she was completely invisible.  When she got home her mother never paid much attention to her, so she went strait to her room and studied.  She never needed help, for she was naturally bright. Living by her self in solitude, after high school. She graduated at the top of her class, but nobody noticed much. She didn’t make it far in college, because she was never wanted by any of the applications she sent in.  Her mother died shortly before she moved out, her cousin Elyse moved into her mother’s house and owned all the belonging it possessed in it.

“Eww, what in the world is this?” Elyse was disgusted holding an old rag doll. 

“Clairien.” She answered.

Holding Clairien now in her new apartment. She stroked the yarn hair, then set her down. She walked to the corner store; she noticed the eyes rolling around her as she walked. In the corner store, she got what she wanted and walked home. The streets were crowed in New York. But it seemed not for her, she was avoided, isolated, and ignored. Then again she’s dealt with this for 21 years now, same old, same old now. 

Many years later, she finally decided, on her mother’s anniversary of death that she would find a mirror to look at. She had none, so she walked around looking at things that would reflect her image. When she looked at a compact mirror, it cracked. When she looked at bathroom mirror it shattered to thousands of pieces. 

That day on her way home, she noticed that it seemed darker outside and for some reason she had this strange urge to walk to the dock by the ocean. She looked straight up into the sky. The skies went from dark blue, to black. Shrieking filled the background, as she turned around to look at the screaming and running people. They pointed above her and screamed  once more in terror. Normally, this wouldn’t be news to her because people looked above her constantly. But this time was different for once in her life she felt as if it wasn’t an excuse to avoid looking directly at her. It was a warm feeling. At the same time, she wanted to know what they’re screaming at. She turned back around facing the sea. A huge wave covered the sky, her heart froze up, but not because she was about to be swept away by the wave, but by something else she saw. The exact something she was looking for all day, that something that she thought she’d never see. Her reflection looked back at her as the water grew closer. She couldn’t move, seeing her self and what she truly looked like.

“Is this a dream?” she asked her self. As she looked front on to her death, all she thought about the long blonde wavy locks, that hanged from the top of her head to her chest. Not only that, but the icy blue eyes with porcelain skin, as smooth as a marble, starring back at her. 

The wavy fell upon her and carried her out into the ocean; she slowly sank to the bottom as everything went dark.

One by one,

The stars in the sky

Fall down.

They fall on her,

Like rain drops.

She grabs one,

And holds it close 

To her heart.

She makes a wish,

And hopes for it to

Come true.

Love’s so sweet and so soft,

but when taken away,

its turns into bitter and lost.

He was her’s,

but then he had to go,

to battle, to army, to suicide,

oh no…

So there he lied.

He didn’t have a breath.

She wouldn’t believe he had died,

not just yet.

She would see him in the

 morning, afternoon, and night,

but never knowing,

it was delusions,

that weren’t right.

She could still feel his hair,

that she’d run her fingers though.

She could still see his eyes,

that would shine in the light.

Her friend got worried.

She’d see what was never there.

But she didn’t know,

and she didn’t care.

With him,

she was happy.

Everyday was more delightful.

If he was gone,

solitude became more 

and more painful.

Her friend said she was

 
in denial.

That the pain was too much
to bare.

She tried to explain

that the man she loved,

was no longer there.

At that,

he couldn’t be found.

Her friend was right.

She was back to alone.

So she decided…

to take the life of her own.

Fin

Is that me?

Am I that little girl?

The one with a happy smile

And curly blonde hair.

The one who holds

Her stuffed kitty tight.

And puts on a smile,

With all her might.

Just for the picture,

She smiles so wide.

But when it is taken,

She’ll rush to her room,

To hide.

I was a dreamer.

I wouldn’t have a care.

Even if the world,

Was lonely, empty and 

Full of despair.

Now I see,

The best things in life.

Are just a fairytale,

For me.

Back then I dreamed of

Ponies, kitties, and cheer.

Now I don’t want,

Tomorrow 

To come near.

Back then my parents

Would care,

If I had scrapped my knee.

Now they’ll just,

Let me bleed.

So this picture takes me back.

To when a smile meant everything.

Now,

When I think,

A smile,

Means fake and nothing.

So, hold your kitty tight

You have no idea what’s

In store.

Put on that smile with all you might.

Because you my never

Smile,

Not ever again,

Not anymore.

Blood swells up like tears on roses.
I soak my feet in the morning dew .
I keep my head high, while on high doses.
Drugs are in my veins, pulsing through.

I’m not alone in this disaster.
If I shut my eyes, my life will refresh.
When I walk away, you chase after.
Darkness shelters until my last breath.

I just want to fall to pieces, but I have to keep my head up.

First: Why didn’t you tell me? I know that I have no right to asking so, but I just want an answer. I know it’ll be the same as the time before, maybe if you were to repeat the words that he said, I’d be able to feel him back in my heart again. I love you, every thing about you, you’re one of my closest friends and I’ll always be there for you. I knew all the signs, it’s feels like history repeating itself from years ago. I knew, when you told me,

“Your hair looks nice, very pretty. I like it.” And my heart became warm once again. I felt love.

I feel like such a fool.

Second: I miss you. I really do. You were a huge chapter in my life Alex, and I’ll never forget you. I still hold on to that last note you gave me, before you left. You left out of my life for a long time. I’m scared to never see you again, I’m scared to never be able to hear your voice again. I thought these tears would have dried by now, but I still cry wishing you could feel them too.

In exactly two months from now, two years ago, will be the last time I heard the sweet sound of your voice externally and internally.

Is just a reminder that I’m never invited to anything anymore.  My friends are perfectly content without me in their life. Wonderful.

I’ll wear you like a necklace. All the things you’ve taught me around my neck, close to my heart. I will no longer obsess over you, letting you coil the ribs of my body. I will no longer cry at night, wondering what you’ve done to me. I want you to know that the passion I have for you still remains, but I’ve moved on. From now on, I’m looking out for myself. I will not let you clutter my thoughts, consume my mind with sadness. I need to do what’s best for me, and you pull me down from mountains I’ve been climbing. I guarantee you, from this day forward, the things you do, the things you say, will no longer matter. I won’t forget what you’ve done or what you’ve taught me, but I’m letting you go, with the sadness and frustration you’ve tied on my life. Thank you and good bye.

Sweating from the neck down.
In a room of 76 degrees.

Coffee shop music plays softly.
Battling with the A/C.

I see the bright lights.
With fans dancing in circles.

I can’t sleep, I can’t eat.
I just wait for my coffee to cool down.

Repeat. 

Some sacrifices are not worth doing for a resolve in betrayal.

She would have be able to go through with it. He tells you that she loves him so much that she can’t bare to see what he’s become, so she must kill him. But if that’s the case, why couldn’t see do it? She holds on the bond she has with him, but she really loves you. She didn’t want you to suffer, therefore she decided to go off on her own. She’s a selfish little girl. She’s prepared for your hate, but doesn’t want you to suffer. Stupid…

I don’t want to be sad anymore.

It’s another day,
Just like the one before.
I smile to your face,
But I cry when I get home.
I’m all alone.

Put on a sad song,
Not understanding why.
I just let the tears fall,
Let it all out.
Everything I’ve got.

I’m confused,
I’ve been used.
I need a light,
For the darkness in my heart.
Hope from the start.

But life doesn’t work that way.
Love doesn’t play that game.
You’ll never win,
This battle, toward Enlightenment.
Happiness just comes in segments.  

I wouldn’t give a damn.

I’m so over this, I’m moving on with my life. By this Thursday, I’m no longer keeping this flame lit. Burn out, and let me know when you’re done, because I’m already blowing you out.